If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
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I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
My Medical Emergency Contact is a girl from college who promised she’d pluck any stray hairs off my face if I slipped into a coma.
If you sneeze again after I say bless you then the devil can have you
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
I nominate Chris Brown to dump a bucket of boiling hot water on himself & to raise awareness for domestic violence.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
What do you call a man who thinks women are easy to lie to?
Deceased
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.