Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
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I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Fortune cookie- You will have a successful TV show.
Me- How old is this cookie?!
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
I’m white, but not “gets eaten by a shark” white.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
‘Your place or mine?’
Is the sexiest response to the question:
‘Where shall we bury the body?’
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
#CoronaOutbreak
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Guys I went to the department store today to by a toaster over and they made me wear pants and I wouldn’t because this isn’t the America I signed up for and I know the constitution so I left with no pants and no toaster oven thanks a lot.
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.