Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
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*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.