They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
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Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
*turns off life support*
*waits*
*turns it back on*
Me: How’s she now?
Him: Are you sure you’re a doctor?
Me: Doct… No, I’m from IT.
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Me as a therapist: omg same
Best misinterpreted text ever!
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me