have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
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Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
People who camp are like, “But camping is so much fun!” and then tell you a story about how they had to fight a raccoon at 2 AM.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[job interview]
“Any weaknesses?”
I pick fights for no reason
“Can you explain?”
*leans in way too close* Are we gonna have a problem?
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I’ve been taking anti-performance enhancing drugs and according to my life they’re working really well.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
2-year-old: Dad?
Me: What?
2: Are chickens real?
Me:
2:
Me: No one knows.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you