Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
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i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Brands during Pride
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Uber Eats:
Food
Tip
Sales tax
Service tax
Gas tax
Just because tax
What are you gonna do about it tax
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Her: so you’re a teacher? What do you teach?
Me *nervous*: children
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.