We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
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I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
Why can’t deer slowly cross the road, all cool and Pacino like
“I’m walking here!”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
God: *reading from clipboard* The snout on the elephant isn’t working so we need to replace it before release.
Angel: One step ahead of you!
God: What did you do?!
Elephant: Quack
Why did Kermit The Frogs name feel the need to clarify he was a frog?
a fate I wish upon no one
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Me: Pull my finger.
Doctor: Ok.
[finger detaches]
Me: AAAAHHHHH!
Doctor: AAAAHHHHH!!!
ME: haha j/k that’s actually why I came in.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
Hello Twits.
Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?