High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
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Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related
I could tell by her screams this was not the kind of friendship that included showers.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
In fact, a pair of determined guinea pigs could probably give me a run for my money.
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me