If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
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Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Couldn’t remember my cute doctor’s name so I just called him
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
fair
how was your vacation
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
#Caturday