I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
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Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Him: You’re not the sharpest tool in the shed, are you darlin?
Me: HOW DARE Y… Wait, did you just call me darlin
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
Coworker: What would be your ideal-
Me: Sleeping
CW: But you didn’t let me finish my-
M: My answer is always sleeping.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.