I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
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I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
pictures of spider-man
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
I told my vodka about you.
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Diet diary, day 3
I am so proud of myself, I refused to eat the birthday cake.
But the cup cakes were amazing.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami