Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
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Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Me irl
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
shaking hands is weird, it’s like “hey, i don’t know you. let’s touch each other”
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My love language is deader than Latin
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.
It’s called a sports bra bc the actual sport is trying to get it off oneself after a hard workout.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[Dinner with GFs parents]
*Does shadow puppet of a bird*
“Thats great but I asked what you do for a living?”
Um *smooths tie* I’m unemployed
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”