First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
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Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
theory: eating m&ms one at a time will decrease my chances of eating them all in one sitting and feeling terrible later.
findings: I am going to barf very soon.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?