Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
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Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
i will not be silenced
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
“Make him press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“He still there?”
“Give him 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
Good Cop: *reaches for his gun*
Intimate Moment Cop: *reaches for the same gun and their hands touch*
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.