Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
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nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
#TwitterWouldBeBetterWithout my mother-in-law..here’s actual footage of me finding out she’s found my account..
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.