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Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please