Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
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My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?
3yo: *sneezes*
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Put my back out twerking in the library again
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long