poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
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Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Mornin. * use accordingly
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
Annual reminder that one year my mom sent out her christmas cards without looking at them first and didn’t see they printed them with “Lou” instead of “Love” and everyone called and asked her who tf Lou was and she had no idea what they were talking about
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”