She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
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[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Ther are two microwaves in my office kitchen, one is for exploding lasagnas and the other one is for exploding other different lasagnas
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
concern
I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Settle down, school picture day packages. I don’t need a body pillow with my son’s face embroidered on it for $400.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
I will continue putting this peanut butter on the wrong side of each saltine until my demands are met.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
Cake!!
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
We need more people like this.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.