the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
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My cat has taught me a lot about life. Like if there’s any trace of ribbon in the house, you should eat it and then get sick on the carpet.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
broke down and did it
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table