forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
You Might Also Like
Now this is how you LinkedIn
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Duck typos.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know