I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
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“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
A cheetah stalking its prey would be jealous of the way I pounce on the Skip Ad button on YT once the 5 seconds are up.
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
“Leave the peach cobbler in the kitchen alone,” mother would say, going upstairs.
But I couldn’t help myself. I sneaked in and watched him. Watched him make his stupid little peach shoes, taunting.
“Nobody’s going to wear those,” I’d say. “They’re stupid.”
But on he worked.
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
9y/o: Are you mad at me?
Me: Not at all…Why would I be mad at you?
9y/o: I thought you might be mad bc I broke the picture in my room.
Me: What picture? I didn’t know you broke a picture?
9y/o: I’m just so glad you’re not mad at me.Well played, sir.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
an airline just for babies.
your come hither look says “yes”, but the way you’re opening & closing that switchblade says “no”
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.