The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
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-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
An online quiz guessed my age using some incredibly accurate super scientific data and it turns out I’m 25 years old. And obviously we don’t argue with science.
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
hey people who dress up and look amazing on thanksgiving how do you do that and why don’t you own pie-eatin sweatpants
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context