bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
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dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Sticker placement is key.
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack