Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
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Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
them: says here you’ll be dueling aaron bear
alexander hamilton: lol that’s funny typo
*distant roar*
alexander hamilton: wait.
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*