Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
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Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…