Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
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heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.