dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
You Might Also Like
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
[teaching my dog to shake hands]
NO! Firmer than that. Want them to take you seriously?
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Reasons I’m not married:
– Am focusing on my karate career
– Wedding could clash with karate class
– Honeymoon might make me miss karate training
– All the lovemaking could sap my energy ahead of karate class
– Wife may be in cahoots with my rivals to distract me from karate
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
*holding a toilet plunger at 7am* Oh I don’t know. How do you THINK today is going?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.