Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
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“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Wake me when AI does housework
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Weird, started flirting in this bar and for some reason 4 guys just killed themselves.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.