I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
You Might Also Like
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
“When do we learn how to breathe underwater?” My kid, overestimating his swimming lessons.
me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”
are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
If you don’t think government is inefficient and wasteful, explain how the Census Bureau has been around so long yet we still use Fahrenheit
*on death bed*
Kids: I had a bad dream, can you move over so I can sleep with you?
*gets kicked in the ribs*
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.