One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
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We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
Reading in public is so embarrassing. How thirsty are you for knowledge, bro?
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
A Short Story.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
Mispronouncing words is my Ukulele’s Heel.