People who leave their underwear at parks are either awesome at sex or terrible at dressing raccoons.
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I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
My patience has stretch marks.
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?