MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
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My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Me: *innocently throwing away crumpled up paper*
My kid: *Throwing herself on the floor in a pile of despair* THAT WAS MY SUPER SPECIAL CRAFT
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
I can tell these edibles have finally kicked in by the way I’m caressing my burrito and whispering “Ay Papi” Into what I’m pretty sure is its ear.
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
🤣🤣🤣
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.