My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
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My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Cable Guy: Can I come in your back door?
Me: Maybe for free HBO.
Cable Guy:
Me: I’m kidding…sort of…not really.
Cable Guy:
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
“SELF CARE!” I scream as my trench coat full of monkeys scurries toward everyone’s wallets and watches.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.