Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
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There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.
Her: I <3 you.
Me: I… I sideways balls you too.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae