wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
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5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Found the job I’m suited for
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
We avoided this particular disaster
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
kid dressed as dog: “trick or treat”
me:
wife: “give him some chocolate then”
me: “i don’t want to kill him linda”
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad