Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
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Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*