I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
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At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
interviewer: what are your strengths?
me: I know where you live
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
So many village idiots. So few dragons.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
bout dat hot dog summer
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds