6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
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Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Top Five Accountant Taboos:
5. Unreconciled difference
4. Doesn’t foot & crossfoot
3. No journal entry support
2. Cooking the books
1. Sex
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
Nurse: Hi I’m Sandi I’ll be drawing your blood today.
Me: [not seeing a single red crayon] How?
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.