To some, it’s known as “soda.” Some call it “pop.” Some even order it as “coke” or “cola.” The spicy bubble brown juice goes by many names
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date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.