Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
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Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
FRIEND: wanna come over?
ME: what’s your dog up to?
FRIEND: um, she’s at the groomer-
ME: THEN WHY ASK ME OVER
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
What if Capri Suns became self-aware and started stabbing us back?
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I’ve invented a new cologne that is just one part bug spray and three parts campfire
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?