The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
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Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
twitter: Canadians are so nice
Canadians: *rubbing hands together* they’ve fallen into our trap
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
Does your wife know you’re single?
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’m beginning to think that some of you aren’t really pretending to be crazy.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.
But hey, Karen got a puppy!
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
lmaaaaaooooooooo
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.