THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
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Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here