Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
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run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Of course I can keep a secret, It’s the people I tell it to that can’t.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
[before quarantine]
me: “gross! this cereal has gone stale”
[5 weeks in quarantine]
me: “you found cereal?! ill get the raccoon milk!”
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”