My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
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me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
BOSS: why are you late?
ME:
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Me: Goodnight angel.
9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
“STOP COPYING ME!”
I yell, as my car spins out of control.
My 10 yr old thinks I expect too much out of her.
I told her we could discuss it when she gets home from work.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*