Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
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Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
just having fun
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Please do not try to befriend the velociraptors. Emotionally they take much more than they give
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day