Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
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cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Check out the legs on this baby
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?