Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
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Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.
I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”
You can’t judge a book by its cover! That only works with people.
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Great acting.. 😂
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates