*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
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@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
If you didn’t set the town on fire while covered in pigs blood, did you even go to prom?
How software testing works
Take the pressure off when folding fitted sheets by not folding the normal ones that well either.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I hope I don’t die of something stupid like old age, I want a piano to fall on my head.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad