Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
You Might Also Like
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
Me: I’m not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
You think you’re hardcore? Watch THIS!
*Drinks vodka straight from the potato*
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
This classic never gets old . . .
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My daughter once asked me “If you were a fruit and you had one wish, what would you wish for?”
So far all my ideas have been rejected as not “fruit appropriate”
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
China over there sending us Valentines day balloons to woo us amd we just shoot them down and enemy-zone them.
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.